Perception is not essence ..
Sep 15, 2016My daughter is 'chillaxing' on the sofa watching Aladdin as I type. I walked in briefly, just as the Genie was saying ‘It’s what’s on the inside that counts, not what’s on the outside.’
We’ve probably all been told that many times, haven’t we?
I remember years ago doing some fairly major work to our house. We had a team of builders digging trenches and making wooden shuttering for the concrete foundations of the extension to the house .. it was all very exciting – especially if you’re new to all that stuff .. and it’s your house!
Anyway, the day to pour the foundations came and I was outside at 6am inspecting all their hard work in preparation.
At 6:30am Ray arrived with his concrete pump lorry thing (I know, who knew, right?). It’s a machine that pumps concrete, basically wherever you want it – over the house .. or round it .. or down the end of your garden .. literally anywhere.
Ray was probably in his late 60s and I could tell before he even opened his mouth, that he was one of those people that couldn’t be told ANYTHING he didn’t know about his trade.
He walked over and looked at the 3m deep trench and pushed against the wooden shuttering. ‘Oh dear!’ He said spectacularly unimpressed with the workmanship.
‘Is it ok?’ I asked him.
"That won’t hold" he said, almost pleased,"‘as soon as the concrete comes up a few feet it will bulge out and crack the shuttering." He tutted as he walked back to his lorry and started mumbling into his phone to someone.
None of the builders were onsite so I was looking at his lorry and looking at the shuttering and was not really sure what I could do.
Ray came back about 5 minutes later ‘Right’ he said, ‘there’s 45 tons of concrete coming in two lorries in 45 minutes time. I’m not pumping it in there! Get a saw, a big hammer and as much 4x2 wood as you can.’
‘Pass me that .. not that, THAT!’ .. ‘Hold that!’ .. ‘Put that on there ..’
And so it went on .. for the next 60 minutes, Ray ordered me around and shouted at me and scolded me for my incompetence. He tutted, frowned and shock his head disapprovingly as he added strategic bits of timber all over the place!
Then the moment of truth. The concrete trucks arrived and Ray started pumping in the concrete.
2 hours later, it was all over. I was absolutely exhausted. 45 tons of concrete were indeed pumped in and it did just about hold, thanks to Ray’s uninvited, dictatorial leadership!
‘We got there in the end.’ he said, and walked off.
‘Hang on a minute,’ I said, 'let me give you a drink'.
‘Don’t worry about it.’ he said dismissively.
‘You’ve been really helpful, wait there a minute.’ I went back into the house to get my wallet.
I came back out and gave him some cash in £20 notes.
‘Thank you.’ Ray said nonchalantly, as he took the cash and shuvved it in his overalls.
‘I don’t know what I would have done without you,’ I said ‘it would have been a disaster. Thank you for making it work.’
‘You’d have been shovelling concrete off the floor!’ he said as he smiled for the first time and his face really lit up. ‘I just try and provide a good service as best I can. Help people as much as I can.’ he said, now beaming.
Then he wouldn’t stop talking! He had undergone a complete personality change.
I will always remember the difference complementing someone can make, even if they aren’t particularly friendly at first.
But more than that, I will always remember Ray’s caring nature .. and how he kept it hidden so well!
Truth is seldom in the appearance of things is it? We can look on at something or someone and be sure we understand them. But our perception is very often, very difference from the truth.
In fact, wouldn’t it be nice if the perception of a person and their essence were the same? But perception is not essence. And as Ray taught me so well, essence is not perception.
Over the years since my encounter with Ray, I’ve often thought the blame lay with me for not seeing him as he really was. But the more I study communication, I realise that there is an equal or greater responsibility with the all of us for our we radiate out into the world.
Rather than summing it up by saying ‘well you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover’ and leaving it at that, I realise that if our cover is not giving an accurate indication of what’s inside, maybe we should take a good look at that cover, maybe it's time for a revamp!
Perception is not essence .. and it never will be. But if we want to be better communicators, we need to work at making them a better match.
Bad essence and good perception is manipulation.
Good essence and bad perception is misleading.
Good essence and good perception is a worthy ideal AND very helpful to everyone.
We’ve probably all been told that many times, haven’t we?
I remember years ago doing some fairly major work to our house. We had a team of builders digging trenches and making wooden shuttering for the concrete foundations of the extension to the house .. it was all very exciting – especially if you’re new to all that stuff .. and it’s your house!
Anyway, the day to pour the foundations came and I was outside at 6am inspecting all their hard work in preparation.
At 6:30am Ray arrived with his concrete pump lorry thing (I know, who knew, right?). It’s a machine that pumps concrete, basically wherever you want it – over the house .. or round it .. or down the end of your garden .. literally anywhere.
Ray was probably in his late 60s and I could tell before he even opened his mouth, that he was one of those people that couldn’t be told ANYTHING he didn’t know about his trade.
He walked over and looked at the 3m deep trench and pushed against the wooden shuttering. ‘Oh dear!’ He said spectacularly unimpressed with the workmanship.
‘Is it ok?’ I asked him.
"That won’t hold" he said, almost pleased,"‘as soon as the concrete comes up a few feet it will bulge out and crack the shuttering." He tutted as he walked back to his lorry and started mumbling into his phone to someone.
None of the builders were onsite so I was looking at his lorry and looking at the shuttering and was not really sure what I could do.
Ray came back about 5 minutes later ‘Right’ he said, ‘there’s 45 tons of concrete coming in two lorries in 45 minutes time. I’m not pumping it in there! Get a saw, a big hammer and as much 4x2 wood as you can.’
‘Pass me that .. not that, THAT!’ .. ‘Hold that!’ .. ‘Put that on there ..’
And so it went on .. for the next 60 minutes, Ray ordered me around and shouted at me and scolded me for my incompetence. He tutted, frowned and shock his head disapprovingly as he added strategic bits of timber all over the place!
Then the moment of truth. The concrete trucks arrived and Ray started pumping in the concrete.
2 hours later, it was all over. I was absolutely exhausted. 45 tons of concrete were indeed pumped in and it did just about hold, thanks to Ray’s uninvited, dictatorial leadership!
‘We got there in the end.’ he said, and walked off.
‘Hang on a minute,’ I said, 'let me give you a drink'.
‘Don’t worry about it.’ he said dismissively.
‘You’ve been really helpful, wait there a minute.’ I went back into the house to get my wallet.
I came back out and gave him some cash in £20 notes.
‘Thank you.’ Ray said nonchalantly, as he took the cash and shuvved it in his overalls.
‘I don’t know what I would have done without you,’ I said ‘it would have been a disaster. Thank you for making it work.’
‘You’d have been shovelling concrete off the floor!’ he said as he smiled for the first time and his face really lit up. ‘I just try and provide a good service as best I can. Help people as much as I can.’ he said, now beaming.
Then he wouldn’t stop talking! He had undergone a complete personality change.
I will always remember the difference complementing someone can make, even if they aren’t particularly friendly at first.
But more than that, I will always remember Ray’s caring nature .. and how he kept it hidden so well!
Truth is seldom in the appearance of things is it? We can look on at something or someone and be sure we understand them. But our perception is very often, very difference from the truth.
In fact, wouldn’t it be nice if the perception of a person and their essence were the same? But perception is not essence. And as Ray taught me so well, essence is not perception.
Over the years since my encounter with Ray, I’ve often thought the blame lay with me for not seeing him as he really was. But the more I study communication, I realise that there is an equal or greater responsibility with the all of us for our we radiate out into the world.
Rather than summing it up by saying ‘well you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover’ and leaving it at that, I realise that if our cover is not giving an accurate indication of what’s inside, maybe we should take a good look at that cover, maybe it's time for a revamp!
Perception is not essence .. and it never will be. But if we want to be better communicators, we need to work at making them a better match.
Bad essence and good perception is manipulation.
Good essence and bad perception is misleading.
Good essence and good perception is a worthy ideal AND very helpful to everyone.
Until next time ..
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